I’m grasping, have been grasping. For the past few days, seriously grasping, haven’t been able to stop. Haven’t even been able to see that I’m grasping, most of the time.
Like, grasping for straws.
My straws are admiration, approval. I’m an addict. A junkie. Feeling admiration from others gives me the hit I need to erase my pain.
I’ve no bottom, no ground beneath me. I grasp to try to keep from going under, to try to keep from drowning.
But… if I can find connection to my self, to my heart, then I can see that actually, there is ground.
I can see that I just haven’t wanted to stand on it.
There is deep shame (deep sh*t?) on my ground. And I want to avoid it. At all costs. It’s very, very painful and uncomfortable in the shame.
And admiration is the hit. And when I get it, I’m flighty. I’m gone.
And I don’t want to be gone. I want to be here, with my feet on the ground. So I can move forward.
Anything can trigger my shame. Maybe what’s been happening the last few days is an awareness of my loneliness. My mind goes: I feel lonely = nobody wants me = I’m no good. (And my mind works FAST, faster than the speed of light, so fast that I can’t follow what’s happening there 99.9% of the time.)
You see, “no good,” is a default belief for me. It’s been programmed into me. It stops me from feeling love for myself. And that stops me from feeling love from others.
It stops me from moving forward in a self-loving way. It stops me from fulfilling my dharma.
And that’s no good.
And so, today, I will try to stand on the ground, in the muck of my shame. I will try to be with me. Because riding out the pain, not trying to hammer it into oblivion, is the only way for me to be real, to be whole.
I am good. And I can do it.