The abuse I endured as a child has impacted me in any number of ways. “Doubt” sums up all of them.
In his book, The Great Work of Your Life, Stephen Cope calls doubt the greatest inhibiting factor to a great life.
I have to say, this applies to me.
It took me eleven years to complete my first undergraduate degree in university. Doubt featured centrally in this. I suffered from excruciating writer’s block, doubtful of the validity of every word I attempted to put to paper. Again and again, I signed up for courses, then dropped them after the deadline date, losing my tuition, because I couldn’t handle the essay writing requirements. Sheer perseverance, tenacity and grinding my teeth got me through to graduation.
As I look back now, I feel sorry for the young girl who I was, who had to go through so much agony to complete a university degree. The girl who thought that pushing herself — hard — was all there was. I wish she could have had the therapeutic help she needed years earlier, so that she could have been free from the heavy burden of unworth she carried. But back then, all I could see was my unworth. I was largely unconscious of that though, just as a fish may not be conscious of the water she lives in because that is all she knows, that is her world.
More than twenty years later, doubt continues to be something that holds me back in my life.
But I’m dealing with it now. The seeds of doubt were planted in me from a very young age. And I’m weeding my garden now. I’m finding doubt and pulling it out by its roots, a little bit at a time.
And every day I walk with a little more certainty.
surrounded by water because that’s his world.