I am trying to get back on track.
For much of the past week, I’ve been so dissociated that I’ve felt like I’ve been “viewing my life from fifty feet high up in the air,” as Olga Trujillo describes it.
It’s upsetting. It’s frightening. I don’t want to be like that. I can’t be like that. It will ruin me.
But I think I know what part of the problem is: I’ve been doing too much doing and not enough being. And I’ve been focusing too much on belonging and not enough on becoming.
I’ve been organizing my days around a “to do” list, instead of a “to be” list. And I’ve been organizing my thoughts around trying to belong rather than on becoming.
I’ve had a few bees in my bonnet.
My life is quiet. Good and quiet. Good and lonely and quiet. The loneliness is hard, but really, this is the way things need to be for me right now at this point in my healing. People are triggering and the more time I have with myself, to connect to myself, to feel, the more grounded I am and the better off I am. I know this to be true.
But all of a sudden, I’ve been behaving as if being more social is a top priority. And I’ve been behaving as though “doing” — accomplishing tasks– is the most important thing for me. But it’s not. Being well is the most important thing for me.
I haven’t written an essay for my blog in almost a week. I feel best, the most connected to myself and who I am, when I write every day or almost every day. I heal when I write every day or almost every day.
I need to slow down. I must slow down. It’s not an option not to.
I need to be with me. This must be my first priority.
Yours in healing,