Being, Belonging, Doing, Becoming: To Thine Own Self Be True

I am trying to get back on track.

For much of the past week, I’ve been so dissociated that I’ve felt like I’ve been “viewing my life from fifty feet high up in the air,” as Olga Trujillo describes it.

It’s upsetting.  It’s frightening.  I don’t want to be like that.  I can’t be like that.  It will ruin me.

But I think I know what part of the problem is:  I’ve been doing too much doing and not enough being.  And I’ve been focusing too much on belonging and not enough on becoming.

I’ve been organizing my days around a “to do” list, instead of a “to be” list.  And I’ve been organizing my thoughts around trying to belong rather than on becoming.

I’ve had a few bees in my bonnet.

My life is quiet.  Good and quiet.  Good and lonely and quiet.  The loneliness is hard, but really, this is the way things need to be for me right now at this point in my healing. People are triggering and the more time I have with myself, to connect to myself, to feel, the more grounded I am and the better off I am.  I know this to be true.

But all of a sudden, I’ve been behaving as if being more social is a top priority.  And I’ve been behaving as though “doing” — accomplishing tasks– is the most important thing for me.  But it’s not.  Being well is the most important thing for me.

I haven’t written an essay for my blog in almost a week.  I feel best, the most connected to myself and who I am, when I write every day or almost every day.  I heal when I write every day or almost every day.

I need to slow down.  I must slow down.  It’s not an option not to.

I need to be with me.  This must be my first priority.

Yours in healing,

Annie.

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9 Comments Add yours

  1. Your last sentences resonate so much. I also have been doing far too much this week instead of being or taking at least care of my basic needs.
    I decided to print out your last sentences (beginning with “I must slow down) and keep it on my nightstand. Reminding me about what is important. Thanks! All the best for you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad you found value in my post. I, too, should think about putting the words about slowing down somewhere where I can see them often. I’m sending you strength and courage on your healing journey. A.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh wow…I.related.to.every.word.you.said! Including the Olga reference. Its so hard to just sit with it all sometimes, especially when its a familiar coping strategy to busy it away. Great, great post! 💜

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for commenting! Yes, sitting with it — with ourselves — is hard. And it’s important beyond measure. And we are worth it. I’m going to write more about this….. Sending you my very best wishes. A.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. bethanyk says:

    “Becoming” more than just belonging. Wow. Powerful stuff.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. bethanyk says:

    Reblogged this on NOT MY SECRET…overcoming the shame of sexual abuse and commented:
    Annie’s thoughts on becoming and not just belonging are very profound and I think something everyone can learn from.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Thank you so much for reading, Bethany, and for reblogging. Take special care. A.

    Like

  6. Blue Sky says:

    This is such an important message and reminder! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading! A.

      Liked by 1 person

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